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I tried to avoid all serious issues while I was off, because that鈥檚 what vacation is supposed to be.

But it鈥檚 not easy, because when you go to a college reunion you鈥檙e surrounded by bankers and environmental experts and corporate managers, most of whom are pretty pessimistic about pretty much everything going on now. The only optimists were the physicists who seem to think we are on the cusp of explaining what gravity really is鈥�which, they tell me, will change everything.

And they鈥檙e probably right. If a company like Amazon could get control of gravity 鈥� noiseless anti-gravity drones could deliver your new sentient Google Pixel 6 and you could watch it carry on conversations for you. So that finally we could all put our phones down and spend more time with family.

Which is the other thing we did. I could spend the next two hours flashing grandchild pictures on the studio live cam, but, instead, I鈥檒l just report on our coast-to-coast travel experience– to balance out all the horror stories we hear about in-flight misbehavior:

I witnessed zero in-flight misbehavior.

I witnessed an orderly boarding, because everyone鈥檚 finally memorized the six pre-boarding categories so they know not to rush the door. Paying for in-flight snacks was instant because you pre-load your credit card and it鈥檚 tied to your seat number. And liquor prices are so inflated, that drunkenness is unaffordable.

However, just two gripes. They tell you your miles never expire, but they do seem to evaporate 鈥� their value is dropping faster than crypto.

And gripe number two:

In a 737, why is the outlet for the phone charger positioned directly under the left leg of the person in the middle seat?

That鈥檚 fine if you鈥檙e the person in the middle seat, but it means that the guy in the window seat has to say something like 鈥淢adam, I just need to shine this flashlight behind your leg so I can sneak the charger under your knee.鈥�

That could come very close to in-flight misbehavior.

You don鈥檛 want the person to think you鈥檙e looking for a long-term relationship. Although if you鈥檙e down to 7%鈥�who knows?

Fortunately, on this trip I was married to the middle-seat woman so she鈥檚 used to this鈥� and I think she sort of likes it.

Speaking of the woman I married, she was wearing a beautifully-done French braid for the trip home, and while her luggage contained all sorts of strange gifts including salad oils and a stuffed Llama, what got her pulled aside 鈥� was her braid. They wanted to make sure it was all hair. Frankly, I鈥檇 been tempted to check it myself but I didn鈥檛 dare.

Anyway, she checked out fine.

And knowing the TSA is on the alert for contraband in a grandmother鈥檚 hair 鈥� you can鈥檛 get safer than that.

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